What I Decided to Write About on Christmas

I needed to talk to my mom about something important. I was eight, and among the changes I was going through were changes in my brain – changes in the way I thought about things. The world was changing around me so quickly that it was dizzying, and I needed parental guidance to get my feet planted on some kind of solid foundation.

I was just nervous, not really sure how to word the question, or whether I wanted to know the answer at all.

Finally, one day as I was driving with my mom, I took a deep breath and just asked it:

“Is Santa real?”

I made sure my seatbelt was secure, and braced myself for impact.

Read more

Laundry Existence

I’m not the kind of guy that puts the extra clean sock into the drawer until its mate is found.

I’m the kind of guy that puts the extra sock back into the hamper. Through this process, the odd sock is trapped in this endless cycle of laundry, where it will be washed into eventual nothingness, I assume.
I feel bad for this poor, unwanted sock who wants only to serve his function in life by warming my feet, yet knows only the purgatory of my hamper, washer and dryer.

But that is just the way my system works.

You see, with me there is no such thing as Laundry Day.

It is more of a Laundry Existence type of scenario.

First of all, I rarely fold my clothes. Just ask any of my previous roommates, and they will all tell you the same thing. I put clothes in the washer. When they are washed, I move them to the dryer, hit the timer, and then hit “start.”
That’s it. No more steps.
Read more



I saw an online advertisement last week, asking people to “Pledge to Shop Small.” It was the first I had heard about this new “Small Business Saturday,” in which consumers are asked to ignore their primal impulse to save money, which they voraciously set free on Black Friday. Instead, they are asked to catch their breath from the previous day’s mayhem and set forth once again, all in the name of stimulating the economy.

Armed with the money that they triumphantly saved the day before, they are now expected to “take one for the American team” and spend it on stuff sold in local stores, even though it might be more expensive.

Aside from the counter-intuitive timing of it all, I get it.  It makes sense.

And I thought about doing it – or at the very least making a pledge to do it, as the advertisement asked me to.

But then I just thought, bleh.  And decided not to.

The bleh is more than just the general laziness that I personally endure day after day.  It is a broad-spectrum, all-encompassing bleh having to do with the state of everything.  More specifically: the country.

I’ll insert here the fact that I don’t know, nor do I pretend to know, much of anything about economics or politics.  I know the basic gist about how the United States got to be in the economic shitter only as far as how it affects me personally.

But aside from the basic facts about the economy fed to me via late night monologues, when it comes to actually learning about what is going on, I typically opt to just say bleh and change the channel or flip the page.

Read more

How to Confuse Strangers (A Poem)

Approach someone random,
Act panicked (not insane), say
“Excuse me!” – catch your breath,
“But what year is it?”
Jubilation or horror
Are two options;
Either way, the stranger’s
Response must shock you.
Stare in awe at the sky
As you run away.
Make sure to jump back
At the first car you see.
-Youngman Brown