Here are three tricks that I recently discovered if you want to have nightmares or wake up feeling incredibly depressed.

#1: Fall asleep while watching The Shining

I recently finished reading The Shining, so naturally I had to watch the film.

Movies never frighten me, and this one was no different.  However, I fell asleep towards the end of the movie and the DVD went back to the menu, in which this was loudly played on loop for the next seven or eight hours while I slept:

Imagine that theme wailing its shriek and thump to your subconscious over and over and over and over.

I woke up in a cold sweat, completely positive that I was dead, at the hands of one of the hundred or so impossibly terrifying things that tried to kill me throughout the night.

#2: Search for “crying kids” in Google Images before sleeping.

A month ago, I wrote a post about a stupid kid who almost drowned because someone told him that the bottom of the pool smelled like strawberries.  For the post, I wanted to include an image of a wet-haired crying little kid.  Naturally, I used Google Images, but I had a very difficult time finding one that would work.  There were tons of kids crying, but I needed one that (a) had wet hair and (b) seemed like a kid for whom nobody would feel bad.

You know, an annoying little brat.

I used the phrases “kid crying,” “dumb kid crying,” “stupid kid crying,” “boy crying,” “kid bath crying,” “wet sad kid,” and some others, but to no avail.  After at least fifteen minutes, I finally gave up and went to sleep.

Apparently, before going to sleep it is not good to

saturate your brain with sadness by scouring hundreds of pictures of children frowning or crying:

This, but scrolling for fifteen minutes.

I woke up depressed, remembering a handful of dreams

in which utterly gloomy events transpired.  Most notably, a dream about my parents dying and me and my sisters crying about it.

#3: Eat a large Big Mac meal and two McDoubles and then immediately go to sleep.

This one doesn’t really need an explanation.

So there you have it.

If you are finding yourself stuck in a pattern of restful nights of sleep, complete with happy and/or inspiring dreams, there are three surefire ways to break the routine and add a little fear to your nights.

Or you could just watch Requiem for a Dream or A Serbian Film*.

*Actually, don’t watch A Serbian Film.  It’s like, really messed up.

Instead, just contemplate Katherine Heigl as a serious actress.  That’s both scary and depressing.

If you don’t hate her, stare at this picture for thirty seconds and you will.
If you don’t hate her, stare at this picture for thirty seconds and you will.

-Youngman Brown

0 thoughts on “Three Ways to Guarantee Bad Dreams

  1. Katherine Heigl is like the funny version of Charlize Theron. I'm pretty sure when she strikes that spot on her elbow, Charlize doesn't wince because she doesn't have a funny bone.

    You could also watch Sin City… you'll wake up thinking you're in a twisted advertisement for an investment company.


  2. Bah, I walked in on an old roommate of mine watching A Serbian Film. I caught ending of it. I'm glad that's all I saw because it was grotesque to say the least, and it takes a lot for me to consider a movie obscene. Pointless shock value is all it was.

    Anyway, eating junk food before I fall asleep usually triggers nightmares.

  3. I think I will read this blog post before going to bed in hopes of having dreams of you.

    It worked last night when I had dreams of the Devils winning in OT all night long. 🙂

  4. I just realized I have a lot of pictures with a similar expression to Katherine Heigel's. Except my nose is a little different, so I'm not going to hate myself too much.

  5. I find that the same thing happens if I fall asleep to The Walking Dead or Criminal Minds. I have super weird dreams. But then again, I always have weird dreams.

    The Shining theme is one of the best of all time in my opinion. That, and The Exorcist score. I actually have The Exorcist soundtrack on cd.

  6. The word zombie seems to be a recurring thing in the blogosphere. I often read and comment on blogs shortly before bed. Needless to say I have been having a lot of dreams about zombies!

    I should make it a point to only read erotica blogs before I go to sleep. That should spice my dreams up a bit… or it could just lead to dreams of having sex with zombies!

  7. I absolutely cannot watch the Wizard of Oz for the rest of my life. Scooby Doo frightens me to no end so that tells you a little about my horror watching experiences.

    As for the Big Mac meal and two McDoubles…if I ate that much food in one sitting, I would explode so that problem would fix itself.

  8. I'm no longer allowed to watch zombie movies right before bed (per the husband) so I sneak and watch them during the day…still end up with nightmares. Same thing with Finding Bigfoot. Stupid Sasquatch! Why does the shows graphics have to be all at once scary and slightly humorous?

  9. I wish I could fall asleep while watching Lost Girl and dream of Dyson and myself in that shower scene this week. Oh yeah now that's dream. I'm sorry you were talking about nightmares? I don't do those. As for those crying babies, that's just, well, sad looking. My lower lip curled under at that sight.

  10. I live on horror movies so they never get to me, but any time my daughter spends the night somewhere else, I have horrible dreams about what has happened to her.

  11. I love horror movies, the creepier the better but falling asleep to the that music would definitely cause nightmares or bizarre dreams for me. I can't believe I've never even seen Requiem, I checked out the preview…it looks creepy as hell.

  12. LMAO You mean, I can't google crying babies without having nightmares? I'm putting that one to the test right now. hahahahaha

    P.S. I like Katherine Heigel 😉

  13. I get scared so incredibly easily during horror movies, so even the thought of “The shining” makes my skin crawl!

    Just one question though: Why do we WANT to give ourselves nightmares?!?! haha

  14. When I was young Worzel Gummidge gave me nightmares. Just Google him. It was a kids TV programme, he was a scarecrow, but he used to have DIFFERENT HEADS that he swapped around. I had a quick image search myself, and to be honest, he'd give me nightmares now.

    But hopefully not tonight – it's 9pm already, maybe this comment was ill-advised!

  15. Okay, then I'm not going to waste my time watching it…I don't mind a good tug at your heart strings kind of movie..but depressing – no thanks!

  16. Scary films don't bother me at all, and I avoid zombie movies as they are just stupid, but I went through about a fortnight where I kept dreaming about them.
    Then I realised that son was playing zombie games on the xbox all night, and the big TV is in the room under my bedroom.

    Requiem is one of my favourite films. I also have a collection of Japanese horror and “wrong” films. I like to watch things that are disturbing. Yeah, I know, my friends tell me I'm strange, but often they make me think. I have loaned A Serbian film to a couple of people who have given it back and said they couldn't watch it all the way through. I doubt I'll ever watch it again, but for a film with a message it is powerful stuff.

  17. I'm so glad I didn't read this post at bedtime! Just thinking about all those babies crying is instantly depressing. I don't know how you made it through the night!

  18. I heard that 'Requiem for a Dream' is a good movie. Then again, I also have no idea what it's about!

    How do you suggest that you go about getting a restful nights sleep then? My dreams are always horrible anyway!

  19. I LOVE THE SHINING. Both the book and the movie, which are completely different. The music alone in the film is horrifying, and I can definitely imagine having nightmares listening to that track on repeat. I had nightmares the first time I watched the movie, and I was afraid to be alone when I was reading the book. King and Kubrick = horror geniuses.

  20. I read all of that (which I have noted for future sleeping problems) just to be confronted with a picture of Katherine Heigl? For shame.

  21. I rarely dream, and that kinda disappoints me because I know that I'm bored while I'm sleeping and it would be nice if my brain would entertain me.

    I love “The Shining” so maybe I'll give that method a go.

  22. I am an insomniac. That's the only reason I write. I could no more watch a horror movie than step off a cliff. Actually I can read Stephen King till I get bored, about ten pages. I'm sure he's great. I just can't stand him.

  23. I've never watched The Shining. I had to stop playing the video clip you posted because it sent shivers up my spine. Yeah, I would've been freaking out if I had woken up to that… But I do thank you for letting me know some guaranteed ways to avoid bad dreams. 🙂

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