Ah, sleep… we all want it don’t we? But sometimes we can’t get it, whether it be from an awful lumpy, uncomfortable mattress that is doing nothing to help us sleep, so we stand in front of the bedroom mirror begging ourselves to get a new one because we don’t have to stare at the darn ceiling anymore (The Dozy Owl has more on this), or it’s our own brains telling us to watch/do something stupid. Here are three tricks that I recently discovered if you want to have nightmares or wake up feeling incredibly depressed.
#1: Fall asleep while watching The Shining
I recently finished reading The Shining, so naturally I had to watch the film.
Movies never frighten me, and this one was no different. However, I fell asleep towards the end of the movie and the DVD went back to the menu, in which this was loudly played on loop for the next seven or eight hours while I slept:
Imagine that theme wailing its shriek and thump to your subconscious over and over and over and over.
I woke up in a cold sweat, completely positive that I was dead, at the hands of one of the hundred or so impossibly terrifying things that tried to kill me throughout the night.
#2: Search for “crying kids” in Google Images before sleeping.
A month ago, I wrote a post about a stupid kid who almost drowned because someone told him that the bottom of the pool smelled like strawberries. For the post, I wanted to include an image of a wet-haired crying little kid. Naturally, I used Google Images, but I had a very difficult time finding one that would work. There were tons of kids crying, but I needed one that (a) had wet hair and (b) seemed like a kid for whom nobody would feel bad.
You know, an annoying little brat.
I used the phrases “kid crying,” “dumb kid crying,” “stupid kid crying,” “boy crying,” “kid bath crying,” “wet sad kid,” and some others, but to no avail. After at least fifteen minutes, I finally gave up and went to sleep.
Apparently, before going to sleep it is not good to
saturate your brain with sadness by scouring hundreds of pictures of children frowning or crying:
I woke up depressed, remembering a handful of dreams
in which utterly gloomy events transpired. Most notably, a dream about my parents dying and me and my sisters crying about it.
#3: Eat a large Big Mac meal and two McDoubles and then immediately go to sleep.
This one doesn’t really need an explanation.
So there you have it.
If you are finding yourself stuck in a pattern of restful nights of sleep, complete with happy and/or inspiring dreams, there are three surefire ways to break the routine and add a little fear to your nights.
Or you could just watch Requiem for a Dream or A Serbian Film*.
*Actually, don’t watch A Serbian Film. It’s like, really messed up.
Instead, just contemplate Katherine Heigl as a serious actress. That’s both scary and depressing.