To illustrate how badly this guy failed, here is just one example of the things they talked about.  This particular example came in the beginning of the Phillies game, while he was still at his lowest point of drunkenness.

She mentioned that she was reading the series A Song of Ice and Fire, upon which the (amazing) show Game of Thrones is based.

She expressed how much she loved the books.

He said, “Isn’t that the shit with elves and shit?”

She then gave him a basic education of the series, doing so in such an accommodating and easy-to-understand language that made it easy for any second grader or drunken 28-year old to comprehend.  And she described it in such an adoring and tender tone that made it clear that it was something near and dear to her heart.

I, myself, happen to love the show, and when she had finished her eloquent description of the books, I wanted to immediately pull out my iPhone, purchase it on iTunes, and begin reading it, right there in my expensive seats at the Phillies game.

“You really should check out the books,” she said to her date.  “They are great.”

“Nah,” he replied.  “I’m not into that shit.”

In the row in front of him, a father turned around and gave him the eye.  It was apparent that he didn’t appreciate his loud and frequent use of expletives so close to his children.

After completely disregarding her taste in literature, he proceeded to attempt to quantify his competency in the written word.

This is a quote from him, verbatim.  I actually typed it into my iPhone, because it was the worst thing I have ever heard:

“I don’t mean to sound like I am bragging… or that I am an intellect or some shit, but I try to read at least two books a month.  Like I said, I’m not trying to brag, but I just eat. That. Shit. Up.”

“So what have you read recently?”

She asked this in such a way that was both skeptical and uncaring.  If this date was a hotel, she had just checked out.

“I don’t know, tons of shit.  Like, I’ll read anything you put in front of me.  I like all the classics and the new stuff too.”

“Like what, though?”

This was a question to which he was bizarrely unable to respond, but she didn’t press it further, clearly aware that he was full of the “shit” that he frequently referenced.

From that point forward, their sporadic conversations consisted of him drunkenly saying something, and her responding in an indifferent tone.

And that is when I found myself joining their conversations.  Or to be more accurate, hijacking them.  And when the dude went to take one of his many bathroom breaks, she began complaining about the heat.

Why did I wear black on such a hot day?” she asked.

“I know,” I said.  “I hate when I wear my black dress on a hot summer day.”

She laughed and nudged my leg with hers.  “Seriously, make the sun go away.”

“I can’t do that, but hopefully winter is coming soon enough,” I said, offering her a knowing smile.  You see, one of the frequent phrases in Game of Thrones is “Winter is coming.”

Her eyes grew wide as she smiled from ear to ear and grabbed my arm.  “How great are those books?”

“I have only watched the show,” I explained, “but I overheard your description of the books and you really got me wanting to read them.”

We then discussed, at length, the books and show.  Even after the date had come back to reclaim his throne as the King of Beers.

And this is kinda how the rest of the day went.  I split my attention between the girl and my mother.  And she split her attention between me and her date.  And nobody seemed to mind.  My mom was so transfixed with the game, and her date was so transfixed with his precious beer, much like Gollum to the ring.

“Look at the Phanatic!” she would say, hitting me and pointing to the field, where the Phillies mascot was giving flowers to another Phanatic in a dress, presumably his mother.

The sun would occasionally go behind a teeny-tiny cloud, and we would receive ten seconds of reprieve from the heat.  “Thank you, glorious cloud!” we would say and high-five each other.

In the seventh inning, they handed out All-Star ballots.  She asked me, begged me, to vote for Dustin Pedroia from the Red Sox, since that was where she was originally from and the only guy she cared about.  I agreed, so long as she promised to vote for Carlos Ruiz.  My mom provided us with a pencil out of her purse so that we could fill out our cards.

The dude went to go pee (again) and I realized that I needed to summon the courage to at least express my interest in her, despite my brain screaming for me to do anything else.

“So, Cole Hamels threw five strikeouts today, but how many times did your date strike out?” I asked, pointing at the empty seat to her right.

“Ohmygosh,” she said, “Was I really that mean?”

“No,” I said, “You weren’t mean at all.  It just seemed like the two of you weren’t hitting it off.”

“Yea, I got these seats from work and I was looking for someone to go with.  My friend thought that we would hit it off, but apparently not.  I’ll try not to be as mean.”

I filled out my name and e-mail address on one of the All-Star ballots and handed it to her, saying, “Here’s mine.  You can either hand it in or keep it for yourself.  It has my e-mail address on there, should you decide you want it.”

And then, with as handsome of a smile as I could produce, I said, “Do you see what I did there?”

And then she smiled and said, “Yes, I did.  Very smooth!”

After the eighth inning, they decided to leave.  She rubbed my arm and said that it was nice to meet me.  She then said farewell to my mother.

And that was the last time I saw her.

She never e-mailed me.

I waited an entire month before posting this story, giving her plenty of time to contact me.  I didn’t want to jump the gun and write about her on my blog, of which she certainly would have become aware by the time we got married and had kids and stuff.

On the ride home from the game, my mother said, “You and that girl seemed to really be talking a lot.”  I then told her what I had done, and she seemed proud, saying, “She was a very nice girl.”

After she didn’t contact me, my mom’s explanation was that “she probably just accidentally handed in your ballot and lost your contact information.”

Thanks, mom.  You always give me the benefit of the doubt.

But it probably just comes down to the fact that she wasn’t that interested in me, even though all signs pointed to the contrary.  Perhaps she was just looking for an escape from her terrible date and I was the closest one, only a few inches away.  But when she got home and wondered whether or not she should contact me, she worried that I was too much of a momma’s boy.  Or maybe she saw me as a scumbag for hitting on her while she was on a date, albeit a noticeably bad one.
Maybe I could have done something different.  I don’t know.

But either way, I am totally fine with it.  If I can hit on a girl while she is on a date and while I am, for all intents and purposes, on a date with my mother, then I can hit on a girl anywhere.

It might not have led to anything, but it did give me practice.  I will never look back at that day with regret, as I have looked back upon so many other days, when I was unable to summon the courage to take the final step of showing interest and vulnerability to a girl.

So yea.  It didn’t work out, necessarily.  But it was still a happy ending.

Oh, and on top of that, the Phillies won.  My mom’s excitement and appreciation of the seats and the game made any kind of rejection completely worth it.

She really is a good date.

Unless, of course, you’re a Mets fan.

-Youngman Brown

0 thoughts on “Gettin’ Digits On Mother’s Day: The Conclusion

  1. *Groan* I'm glad you're fine with it – but I'm not. Those type of situations are unbearable for me. It's the uncertainty that's hard to deal with. However, I'm confident that she lost the card which, of course, is bitter-sweet.

    Damn 🙁 Now I need to go find a story with a happy ending to read lol.

  2. Drats! I really wanted to read that you guys were now dating and watched GoT together…

    However, you're right! You took the plunge and it worked out great. Mega bonus points for you for taking your mom to the game. I hope one day my boys will take me to see a NY Giants game!

  3. Lame handshake or uncomfortable guy hug as I tell you those three most comforting words a dude can say to another dude… “it's her loss.”

    Seriously, that was way more smooth than I've ever been.

    A more desperate man might have reached out to the Phillies and determined if the seats next to yours were corporate owned, perhaps you'd get a compassionate woman on the phone who would listen to your story and take pity upon you. She might help you at every avenue to find this girl. THAT would be a great love story. On the DVD, there would be an alternate ending where the girl on the phone is better looking and more suited and only after much travail does our hero realize that she is the one for him. In an alternate-alternate ending, the girl on the phone IS the girl from the seats and she's been watching his attempts and slowly falls in love with him.

    Or like Iverson said, “we're not talking about a game, this is just practice.”


  4. Ooh, smooth! And she totally lost that card, no other explanation will do!

    Who knows, maybe one of her friends reads your blog, will put two and two together and get your pretty gal in touch with you 🙂

  5. Having met you in person (and got a preview of the story then), I'm really at a loss for why this chick didn't email you. I'm seriously leaning toward agreeing with your mother here.

  6. It sounds to me, like you did everything right Mike! That was certainly a very smooth and classy way to hand her your info. Not sure what happened on her end, but I do know this, it was definitely her loss.

  7. I liked this story. I would've liked it better if she would've emailed you. But if I can offer one tidbit of advice: always ask for her number or email and that way you can be the one to establish contact. Even if a woman likes you, sometimes the idea of getting in touch with you first is so daunting it won't happen. It's not fair, but it's true.

  8. She felt guilty. She felt guilty that she liked you and not her date, that her friend did a crappy job of setting her up, and that she was so “bad” at being on a first date that she actually ended up flirting with someone else. Here's hoping that you do end up running into her down the road!

  9. I know I texted this to you, but “How many times did your date strike out?” had me on the floor. I'm proud of you bud! Way to take life by the balls! What do I say in my blog? Practice, practice, practice!

    I clearly need to take you out with me sometime 🙂

  10. I have despised the Mets since 1986….being a Red Sox fan. It is a bummer but you did have the balls to hit on her and give her your number…good job!

  11. Wow, that was incredibly awesome. I usually come up with smooth comebacks 40 minutes after the conversation ended. Way to think on your toes!

  12. Yea, I didn't want to press it too hard, since she was on a date, but I figured slipping her my info was the easiest play. You are probably right, though. It might have turned out much better.

  13. Hi-five.

    And she lied. She didn't “see what you did there”.

    I sea what I did there.
    I talked about oceanic puns, while trying to be pacific.
    I'm going to stop now, but kudos for trying.

  14. I'm so proud of you, Mike, for putting yourself out there and so classy like too. It sounds like yall a lot of fun but like SirFWALGMan said, maybe the chemistry wasn't there which is not your fault. I personally think she lost the paper because I would have definitely emailed you. Its her loss my friend. I'm rambling because my original post accidentally faded away and its time for me to skeedaddle for the day but I wanted to post a comment before I left. Practice makes perfect and you are well on your way. I expect to hear you dating that special someone soon if you keep this up. I'll elaborate tomorrow maybe.


  15. You pulled that off like a champ!! I give you serious credit for that one. You managed to weasel your way in, and impress your mother 😛

  16. Lol, ok, so obviously I have to do the needful. I'll just imagine in the happy ending for you 😉

    *closes eyes… sees pretty lady emailing YB… explains how she misplaced card… asks to meet up for drinks…. meeting goes well… ohhhhh… kissing!*


  17. Oh poo, I had high hopes for you son. Onwards & upwards, she probably had the herpes anyway. And if by some random act of god she emails you tomorrow & asks you out, I never said that. Ok?
    I have a really nice single friend. She's smart & pretty & German. But you have to come here to get her. That's the rules.

  18. Damn, I wish she called!!! But, good on ya for stepping out of your comfort zone and hitting on a girl… a girl that was on a date… while your mother was sitting right there… are you SURE you're not good at that kind of thing?!?! 🙂

  19. Well hell, I should have also mentioned that the Phillies are my favorite NL team…this year they are the same as the Red Sox too…

    I went to an inter league game a couple years ago in Philly against the Sox, the tickets we bought were fake (don't buy tickets from eBay) but the people there took pity on us and gave us open seats 5 rows from the left field wall….great experience, plus the Sox won in extra innings.

  20. I was really hoping you landed yourself a date. But at least it was good practice to build up courage. I don't think I have ever really asked anyone out. All of my dates or girlfriends were set by an outside influence. Yeah, I'm a chicken shit!

  21. You wrote that story so well. I was giving my husband updates every few paragraphs as I read and then BOOM the ending. It kind of bummed me out. Sigh. But you had a good time chatting with a pretty girl, had some good laughs and came up with some damn good lines! Her loss indeed is what I say. And for the record, you had some great lines in this post. “If this date was a hotel, she had just checked out.” Classic!

  22. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Damn. I was so pulling for you. But, as someone who seems to be a lot like you in these situations, I give super major props and say well done. Smooth and nice. And either way, you got three days of blog posts out of it. And a cool memory. Nicely done. And go Phils!

  23. I'm so glad you “put yourself out there”!! And I'm disappointed nothing came of it. I think all the signs were there also. But you're right, if you could exceed in that situation, you can do this anytime!

  24. I'm sorry things didn't work out with her. I was rooting for ya! I do hope that she dropped that loser as soon as possible. I'm glad you're able to look at the overall picture in a good light, though.

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