svetlana

I occasionally go on YouTube binges.

Someone will send me the link to a song, funny clip, or inspirational video. But after it is over, I can never bring myself to close the browser, because YouTube has offered me a suggestion of something else to watch. And so on and so forth until it is three hours later and I am watching a documentary about tsunamis, when the first video I watched was a guy who gets excited about rainbows.

Such was the case the other day, when I was watching various music videos and I came across this song.  And I was immediately reminded of my ex-girlfriend, Crazy Krista.

Now, I don’t know who this singer/rapper is, and I don’t really feel like doing much research about her. The title of the video is Бьянка – Без сомнения, meaning that her name is either Бьянка or Без сомнения, but for the sake of clarity, I shall henceforth call her Svetlana.

While I might not know her name, what I do know is that she is kinda hot, albeit trashy.

My ex-girlfriend, Crazy Krista, was insanely hot as well. Definitely hotter than this rapper.

Until we started dating, that is. Once I really got to know her, her attractiveness went right out the window.

Let me explain what I mean by referring you back to Svetlana’s music video with three key similarities to the craziest girlfriend I’ve ever had:
1) She starts out mad. 

We, as innocent listeners, are thrown right in the middle of a whirlwind of fury as she goes on her indistinguishable and angry rant.

hulk-girlWith Crazy Krista, is was much the same. Before she even said a word, you could see the rage in her eyes.

Those crazy eyes.

They still send a shiver down my spine.

I hadn’t done a thing, but I knew damn well that her anger, wherever it came from, was completely my fault. And even when she was having a good day and recognized that it was not my fault, I still had to hear her wrath. Her wrath, which was directed at the universe in general, but funneled through me, as if I was the earpiece for the cosmos.

2) You can’t understand a word she is saying. 

That, of course, is because we don’t speak Svetlana’s language. But I think that even if I did speak the language, I would still have difficulty understanding what she was saying.

But with Crazy Krista, I did speak her language. Yet, I never understood a word she was saying or why she was so angry. There was an obvious communication barrier, but it did not exist due to differences in languages. And it did not exist because of a male/female communication barrier, which I admittedly have yet to figure out.

No.woman yelling

It was a crazy/non-crazy communication barrier. She put words together into intelligible sentences, but the conclusions she reached very rarely had anything to do with her preambles.

As such, it was extremely frustrating to become the reason for your girlfriend getting a D+ on her first exam in Economics.

Or being the reason that dance majors don’t make any money.

Or being the reason that she didn’t get enough walnuts in her Waldorf Salad.

She was mad, fcolorful-violaor no real reason.

Often.

Just like Svetlana.

I mean, what’s the deal, ladies?

Svetlana, you are on a beautiful beach. Sure, you might have chosen the worst place on the beach to have her emotional breakdown, between two rocks. But it is still a beautiful setting, and you even have a colorful cello! And everyone knows that there is nothing better than a colorful cello on a beach!
So why are you so pissed off?

3) The sexual aggressiveness.

Even though Svetlana is so incredibly angry and blinded by rapping fury, she still has the wherewithal to hunt down a dude and rape him in the sand. While the guy doesn’t appear to be completely opposed to her attack, I am sure that he might have preferred to go someplace more comfortable; perhaps his air-conditioned loft. Or at the very least, he might want to change into his bathing suit.
But no. Svetlana’s sexual appetite is so insatiable and so immediate, that the only thing that can satisfy it is a good old dry-humping of a fully-clothed man on the beach.

dry-humping-on-beach

It reminds me of the time that Crazy Krista and I went out to dinner.

I did not have a car on campus my freshman year. She did. On our ride home from dinner, we got into an argument. Or more accurately, she got into an argument with herself, and I served as the mediator.

When we got back to the parking lot of our dorms, I suggested that we go back to my dorm room to talk things out.

Krista turned off the ignition, and as I reached for the car door handle, there was a distinct click, as Krista locked the doors. As I turned to ask what she was doing, she had already begun mounting me and kissing my neck.

“But I thought you were mad at-” I started to say, but was cut off by the g-force I felt as she pulled the seat adjuster lever and I was pushed downwards to a completely horizontal position.

“Just shut the fuck up and kiss me,” she instructed.

I did as I was told.

titanic
“Oh, Jack.”

And so it went, in the blistering summer heat that turned her car into the one at the end of that steamy scene in Titanic. Yet, it was only steamy in the hot/balmy/annoying sense of the word, and not the sexy/erotic/titillating sense. Because the only thing I was really thinking about was my cool, air-conditioned room, only a few feet away, and how it made so much more sense to be there at the moment. Surely, that was a better place to find a solution to our conflict than her car?

But this was Krista’s way of finding a solution to the conflict. With kissing and grinding and sweating. Looking back on our relationship, I am pretty sure that the conflicts she created only existed because they made for tasty resolutions.

I broke up with her a few days after steaming up her car.

But to be perfectly honest, the breakup was something that I was planning only a week after we officially became a couple. Once we became “official,” the wheels came off and she completely discarded the mask of sanity that she had been wearing during the courting process.

In just a week, I had realized that this particular relationship was like when you are a kid and try to hold your breath for as long as you can. You might be able to hold out for a while, but you knew that it was going to lead nowhere but you gasping for air at the end.

Such was the case with Krista. Except with her it was as if I had taken an enormous breath and she immediately began punching me in the gut, forcing me to cough and dispel much-needed oxygen.

She made it very difficult to hang on.

The problem was finding the right moment. If she got that mad at me while we were a couple, I couldn’t imagine dealing with her wrath and fury when I tried to break up with her.

But as scary as it was to sit her down and tell her the bad news, it was an even scarier proposition to have to endure such an unfulfilling relationship for much longer. To become that guy who was a handmaid to a princess. Though she was beautiful, I couldn’t envision myself performing senseless duties for her (e.g. dragging a flowery cello to the beach) and then getting yelled at for doing it wrong.

After I broke up with her, I felt terrible. She didn’t take it very well.

But as I stepped outside of her dorm, I smiled.

It felt good to suck sweet oxygen back into my lungs.

-Youngman Brown

crazy-eyes
Fear. Pure fear.

0 thoughts on “Crazy Krista and Svetlana

  1. I'm not sure that a woman wanting to have sex with you in a car is all that awful. What kind of car was it? This is vitally important.

    In all seriousness, I'm glad that you got out of that destructive relationship with all your marbles intact. You know which marbles I'm talking about.

  2. I've dated my fair share of crazy chicks, so this hits home. There were days I'd wonder if I'd come home to find my house burned down and my tires flat after a breakup. Worst I got was my car knifed. Thank God for full coverage, amirite?

    My wife coined the greatest quote I've ever heard, something she passed along to the single Brandon.

    “You don't stick your dick in crazy.”

    (he's still working on that one)

  3. You describe this type of experience amazingly well! What never ceases to amaze me is that guys actually MARRY this type of woman – knowing full well they are signing up for a lifetime of being an emotional punching bag. Little do they know that sex seriously decreases once married for a while so then they are stuck with beautiful-psycho woman who doesn't even give them the one thing they married them for in the first place! Great post Youngman Brown. I must share and hope that some poor sucker somewhere will see himself in this story and RUN away fast!

  4. Woo, those kind of women are scary! I am always baffled when I see a good guy with a crazy, dominating woman like that. I literally saw a wife scold her husband once, telling him to take off his brand new shoes and to put on his old ones, because she didn't want him to ruin the new shoes in the snow…and he actually did it! And like Pam above said, I know for a fact he's not getting any hot sex from her. Poor schmuck!

    But really, are you positive it wasn't your fault that she didn't have enough walnuts on her salad???

  5. I think Kianwi nailed it. Why do guys put up with this? Just for the chance of getting laid with a hot chick?
    I find it really disappointing when a girl is stunning on the outside, yet a psycho crazy bitch. If I were a guy, I'd rather have an average chick that was nice than a hot crazy girlfriend. Who wants to have drama ever ytime she opens her mouth? No thanks.

  6. Ahhh, crazy emm effers who you think are fine until the relationship becomes “official.” I've had a few of those in my day. I break up with them the first time the crazy comes out.

  7. I think I was roommates with that girl. For about three weeks. I decided the possibility of homelessness might be safer. I pitied every man she brought in (there were about 12 in those three weeks).

    (P.S. Not to sound like a total douchecanoe, but the insturment is usually referred to as a cello… a viola is usually the instrument that is bigger than a violin but played like one, but has cello tuning.)

  8. But does she have a boat? I know a version of Crazy Krista; she's getting married soon to the world's stupidest man. Although this reflects quite terribly on my character, I will admit that while none of us like her even in the slightest bit, we still associate with her because she lives on the lake and we use her for her boat.

  9. Oh Crazy Krista…they never learn. Small aside-pretty much every Krista/Christa/Crista I know is BAT SHIT CRAZY so just stay away from them in general.

    I agree, crazy is sexy for some guys, but never in a lasting way. Nobody wants to seriously date or marry the crazy hot chick. Your crazy can never outdo your hotness. No amount of hot covers THAT kind of crazy.

    I also hate you a little because I listened to that insane Latvian rap the whole way through because I was too lazy to scroll back up and turn it off as I read. Ugh…I'm a mess.

  10. First off…I lloovvee that this is a list 🙂 🙂 Nice and organized!! Secondly, nobody is perfect! Those are just a few minor flaws… I kid, I kid! You're right. A personality really makes someone in the end!

  11. Ah the Dance Majors…they are a different breed aren't they buddy? It's funny how some women are beautiful on the outside, but are hideous and crayzay (yes, crayzay)on the inside. You'll find a woman who is gorgeous inside and out 🙂

  12. Glad I never had to have a crazy boyfriend, mine were all at least semi sane, with amiable breakups.

    I did think it worth mentioning that I live in the same area as the crazy guy who trips out on rainbows, and I totally have pictures of the same double rainbow, it really was THAT AWESOME.

  13. Well, don't some guys like to be dominated? Having her tell him to change his shoes might have been a massive turn on for him. Obviously not Youngman's tendency – but if someone is letting themselves be ordered around – there's a fair chance that they like it.

  14. Totally scary and if I had been in a similar situation – I wouldn't have been brave enough to break up the way you did lol… I would have done it over the phone or something – but your way is kinder.

  15. I married one of those crazy chicks. I once got a full pitcher of tea chucked at my head because the lid was turned the wrong way when she took it out of the fridge. She would go from happy to enraged in a second with no indication of what set her off.

    The marriage lasted 5 months.

  16. I think we are being too harsh on the crazy sisters, they need loving too. And a good bit of loving will calm them down.

    The new phrase should be, “don't give your real name and stick your dick in crazy.”

  17. I think I will stick to the sane category. Besides, I'm married and shit is crazy enough as it is!

    I did have a crazy girlfriend once. She kicked my ass all the time. The one time I decided enough was enough and fought back, I went to jail!

  18. Someone once told me that sex with a crazy person is exponentially hotter than that with a relatively sane individual. I call bullshit, however, as that would make my ex husband Ron Freaking Jeremy and in truth? Not so much.

  19. Oh, exes. You bitches are crazy.

    (the exes, not all women…)

    As for the video, I thought the cello chick was hot until I noticed the tube top. One, tube tops are not sexy, and two, I dunno, I was just hoping she was topless…

  20. Dude, this was a great piece! Unfortunately for me, I didn't spot those signs and ended up in a 25 year relationship which ended up with me in therapy for 3 years….but hey ho…lesson learned….eventually….
    I really enjoyed reading this and it actually made me laugh out loud in places…very clever…very funny…very true…
    All The Best 😀

  21. It beats me what men see in these crazy chicks.
    I mean come on, it's nice to get a present, but to end up with a jack-in-the-box is just asking for trouble.
    Good things don't always come nicely dressed, but I love the way you dumped Krista, and walked away unscathed!

  22. I've had “girl chats” with women like this before… and never understood. Probably why it's always been easier for me to hang out with the boys. But I've also known a guy or two who clearly had chronic PMS. I think my husband was Crazy Krista's brother – all sweetness and light until a couple weeks after the wedding. Then full crazy asshole until I left a few months later. And he mumbled, which was unforgivable.

  23. Once in a while, I wonder what it would be like to live out a crazy, sex fueled, fantasy with a psycho woman. Thanks for putting it into perspective, turns out I'm pretty happy being mild and lazy as opposed to wild and crazy.

  24. I used to know a girl like Crazy Krista too. Her name was Amber and she was definitely trashy, absolutely crazy and wasn't as sexy as SHE thought she was. Many times just watching her find her prey and going in for the kill was better than cable.

  25. “She got into an argument with herself and I mediated”–that was awesome. =D

    No it wasn't.

    Who said that?

    I did, and it wasn't funny. And you're stupid.

    Look, just shut up, self, because I've had it up to here with you starting arguments between us! Asshat!

  26. I must admit that I often pull out “the crazy” on my hubster. I swear I don't mean to. And while my mouth is spewing stupid gibberish, my mind is saying, “what??? What the hell are you saying??” Sigh. I blame girly hormones or some such.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *