The Laughing Stock of McDonald’s

I went into McDonald’s today.

I had a hankering for a milkshake.

“Welcome-to-mcdonalds-can-i-help-you” the cashier said, without giving inflection or emphasis to any of the words.  She said this greeting to nobody in particular, apparently, as she stared through me with droopy eyes.

For the sake of this story, I shall call her “Tanisha.”

“Yes.  Hi, how are you?” I said with a gaping smile.

I have a tendency to overcompensate for strangers’ misery with cheerfulness.  It is strange, because I am mostly pokerfaced when interacting with people who I know, which generally leads them to believe that I am depressed or angry.

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Three Ways to Guarantee Bad Dreams

Here are three tricks that I recently discovered if you want to have nightmares or wake up feeling incredibly depressed.

#1: Fall asleep while watching The Shining

I recently finished reading The Shining, so naturally I had to watch the film.

Movies never frighten me, and this one was no different.  However, I fell asleep towards the end of the movie and the DVD went back to the menu, in which this was loudly played on loop for the next seven or eight hours while I slept:

Imagine that theme wailing its shriek and thump to your subconscious over and over and over and over.

I woke up in a cold sweat, completely positive that I was dead, at the hands of one of the hundred or so impossibly terrifying things that tried to kill me throughout the night.

#2: Search for “crying kids” in Google Images before sleeping.

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