Unemployment

When you enter my house through the basement, there is a freezer. On it is one of those mini dry-erase boards that we got years ago from a failing pizzeria. It was free, but the catch was that their logo was prominently displayed smack-dab in the middle of the thing, making it difficult to read any message one might choose to scribble on it.

This board has been clinging to that freezer for a decade now, and while it permanently haunts us with the memory of the now-extinct pizzeria, a seasonally changing message can always be seen on it. My mother adopted it as her way of updating the status of our immediate family or world around us.

Welcome home Chrissy!” it would read during my sister’s college’s winter break.

Merry Christmas 2000!” it said, two thousand years after Jesus was born. Read more

Bad Dentistry

Like most Americans, I have always been afraid of the dentist. It is not a vague fear of the entire “experience” of the dentist. I take great care of my teeth, and have never had a cavity. I have had baby teeth pulled. I have had my wisdom teeth taken out (by Dr. Wank, who gave me a shirt that says, “I Got Yanked by Wank.”) I went through all of the orthodontics and have had braces, spacers, retainers, and even that ridiculous night brace. While these experiences were not necessarily pleasant, I still went through them relatively unfazed. My dentist, orthodontist and even Dr. Wank were extremely friendly fellows.

You might be confused as to why I have a fear, or even if it is real. I assure you, it is very real. And it has a name.

Hilga.

Read more

Domain Disaster

dc32a-wantedtogobackintime
I sometimes daydream about going back in time. With the exception of riding a dinosaur, the purpose of my journey almost always has something to do with making money.Of course, my initial idea is typical: going back andwinning the lottery on a particular day. That, however, usually involves me being on the news, everyone knowing that I am rich, and me losing friends. I would need something that kept me out of the public eye.

Perhaps the simplest idea I have had is spending a day back in the early ’90s and registering websites for all the big name corporations with the plot to sell them at a later date for millions of dollars once the internet boomed like a supernova. Microsoft.com, mcdonalds.com, abc.com, etc. I can picture the faces on the guys at one of the first domain name registrars:
Read more