The car itself is a powerful tool. It is this tiny capsule that takes me places. Moreover, it is a bubble that allows me to be more significant and my actions to be more substantial.
For example, giving people the finger in the car is the only time I feel as if it is really actually giving them the finger. It is saying “Hey man, fuck you,” as opposed to just giving it as a joke to one of my friends. Additionally, giving the finger is such a rare occurrence for me that if I give it to you, you can be damn sure that you are very low on the Good Driver Hierarchy.
The best thing about my car is that while within the safe confines of it, the recipient of my middle finger can’t punch me right in the face, or at least it will take them a great number more steps to do so.
On the flip side, driving in my car grants me escapism as well as literal escape from my favorite form of escapism. Let me explain.
I sometimes enjoy honking at random pedestrians.
I honk at a calculated moment in which they have only a split-second to turn their head to see me waving to them as I drive by.
I’d recommend trying it, but here are some things to remember:
- It is important to really time it right so that they cannot see your face.
- You will need to lean forward and really reach toward them, and wave frantically, as if you are both surprised and ecstatic that you happened to see them on your commute.
- The honk itself needs to be two honks, making sure not to hold on for too long. If it comes out honk honk, you are doing it wrong. You should be aiming for more of a hink hink!
Do everything I said and you are going to be witnessing a very confused pedestrian in your rear-view mirror who, from my experience, will wave back half the time.
My favorite part about this pathetic awesome game isn’t seeing my victim’s dumbfounded gape. It isn’t even my expectant hope that they will offer an unsure wave back. No, the true glory of the “honking drive-by” is knowing that I just hijacked the thoughts of my victim for the rest of his or her walk.
Who do I know that drives a Honda Civic?
That’s the first of a series of many questions they ask themselves, inevitably leading them to fall to their knees:
Seriously, who WAS that? I MUST KNOWWWWWWW!!!
I like to think that it is something that will bother them for the rest of the day, possibly keeping them up at night. Or perhaps it might even find its way into that evening’s dinner conversation: “The strangest thing happened to me today as I was walking Mr. Woofers today…”
Whether this actually happens, or whether they immediately forget about me, the fact remains that this game wouldn’t be possible if it weren’t for the actual car. Physically, of course, it facilitates a speedier getaway. It is not a game I would attempt on foot, like poking a stranger and then sprinting. But psychologically, like giving the finger, the car gives me that protective shell that enables me to feel safe to do things I wouldn’t normally do.
Sadly, though, this sounds a lot like someone else: